I recently came across the article below. I wrote it about 5 years ago when I was all a bit confused, I’d been through some pretty traumatic times, and although I didn’t know it at the time, I was on the verge of a whole new life. I was fighting with myself…do I remain the flighty slightly coo-coo person I had always been?, or do I do what everyone else I could see was doing? One of the things that scared me most was being a sheeple…you know, someone who followed everyone else…did all the “right” things (marry, have children, buy house, have car…etc.) all that frightened the heck out of me. But I was on the cusp of change; I was on the verge of a whole new life, a new way of doing things…I think, now I re-read the text below, that instinctively I knew something was about to happen – but not quite what.
I didn’t end up doing all those things that scared me…some of it by choice, some because choice had been taken away from me a long time ago…but finally I became secure…secure in the knowledge that it was absolutely fine to be a bit flighty and coo-coo AND have some of the things in life that seemed the norm (even the scary norm!)
Moving forward, the past year has been an incredible for me – I finally discovered fundamentally who I am spiritually – I’m still learning where that fits in life…and still discovering new and wonderful things. Pagan Heart has been my mainstay throughout 2011. A place to rant and rave, a place to share good and bad times. I have received such great companionship and learning from the people within – and oodles of love. I am blessed!Five years on, I still don’t own my own house. I don’t have children. But I do have security – the knowledge that it really is all going to be OK – I don’t have to keep running any more…I can run when the fancy takes me, not because of fear!
I have a cramped head – always have had. My head is full of stuff and ideas and things I want to do, write about, make, create.
I’m not a nerd – I can be a bit geeky, but I’m not a plain Jane type. I’ve had my fair share of shaved heads and mohicans and getting drunk on the beach with a bunch of ‘older boys’ when I was young – I’ve run-away, gone travelling, danced with rock stars (well one!). I’ve taken drugs and run naked through fields and all without having to read a book about it first, but still, I have a thirst for knowledge, even though I don’t really know that much.When I was a lot younger I was sent for a Mensa test, to be told that I was of high intelligence and if I didn’t slow down, by the time I reached adulthood I would burn-out…Guess what happened?!
My yearning for learning wouldn’t go away. When I was 10 I studied the history of London…for a laugh…not because I had to – but because I could, so I did. I never used to sleep a lot as a child, three hours (I am told) was enough for me – it didn’t occur to me that three hours was not the norm, because I’d have my head in a book, or I’d be drawing or painting until mum woke up to give me breakfast. Thankfully the sleeping patterns have changed now, and I’m just as good at sleeping now as I was at reading when I was a kid!Wanting to learn and be a million different things has a knock-on effect though. Because now, as an adult I never really stick at one thing for long enough to become a master of it – I get distracted by shiny things and colours and books and paper, I like to experience new stuff, be in new places, touch the walls of old buildings, change the routine, eat my dinner for breakfast…and never, ever comply. I’m like a puppy who’s just been let out the house and into the garden for the first time and wants to pee up each and every blade of grass…all of a sudden I’m off on some tangent…and those who are with me at the time are left standing dazed and confused. “What’s she up to now?” That’s all OK for a child to do, you’re expected to have whims when you’re a kid, but when you’re an adult, you get lumbered with responsibility – and responsibility dumps all over flightiness until you’re knee deep in poop without a shovel big enough to dig you out.
If I was more focussed and grounded I might own my own house by now, have my own kids, be sitting on a savings account dreaming of retirement, but I’m not! I’m flighty and curious with no interest in normality or the boring mundane day-to-day life of most of my peers. I want to pee up every blade of grass, and then go back around and pee up them all again! I don’t want to be grounded, I don’t want to focus, I want the harshness of reality to be blurred and distorted so I don’t have to be the thing I fear so much. Normal. I don’t own my own house, I don’t really own anything…but a bunch of books about nothing in particular and a need to be different.Is it worth it? What happens when there’s no-one left to help dig you out of the poo? I’m not lazy, I work hard. But I get bored so often. Mundane rears its ugly head and I’m off again, shiny colours and blades of grass tempt me away from doing the responsible thing, and I end up knee deep in the brown stuff again until needs turns to musts and I have to do the ‘grown-up’ thing so I can pay the bills.
I’ve had my fair share of hardship. My flightiness has caused me all sorts of pain and heartache, and although I try to blame everyone but me for that, I can’t…I create the chaos, I should learn to deal with it…I’ve been bruised and battered, I’ve also been loved and cherished, I’ve been homeless and broke, but I’ve also been blessed with warmth and comfort…I’ve seen it all, through my flightiness, my life has been far from mundane…but never secure.The moral of the story, I suppose, is to never fear who you are – you are unique and wonderful, and have the ability to do amazing things. Be secure in who you are, take care of you, and the rest will fall into place. You will have energy to help others, you will be useful to those less fortunate, but you need to nourish yourself before you can do any of that other stuff.
So, although many of us will have viewed Samhain as our new year…I want to mark this evening and tomorrow, because it’s always been the most special time of the season to me.I hope 2012 is wonderful to you and yours. I wish you an abundance of love and happiness – the security to be exactly who you want to be, and the strength to climb those inevitable mountains that we all have to climb. I wish you food in your belly, warmth in your soul, loving arms wrapped around you and a hand to hold!
!!!Happy New Year!!!
